Post by theoldfart2 on Aug 15, 2014 20:02:11 GMT
After such a depressing (and costly) week, I decided to seek solitude and restoration by going fishing.
The main reason that I go fishing is because it really brings home the fact that really is something worse of than I am.
So I go and get a few wriggly worms, then select one, put it on my hook and throw it in the sea to be eaten alive or drowned. That will teach the bastard to be an invertebrate that never bothered to get a proper education.
Still after drowning all the worms,apart from the ones that died of boredom, I invested it using a slither of Mackerel as bait .
Now that these fish are as rare as rocking horse shite, and more expensive than a used pair or Kylie Minogue's knickers (E Bay, £1,608 each) the only way to afford one is to join the Euromackerel Lottery.
Luckily last week I got four numbers and won a tail and a set off gills.
So carefully dissecting this treasured prize, I cast it to the seas.
Didnt make a toss of difference, as there are no fish left, so finally, out of sandwiches,coffee and the will to live I returned home.
That is when the problems started.
'you stink of fish' moans Mrs Old Fart, 'Don't even think of coming in the house in those cloths, etc'
('Incidentally, I have never worked this out after a lifetime of marriage. You take your dirty cloths off and the wife washes them.
Next day they are on the top of the washing pile so you take them off the top and wear them. then you get '
'Why have you put those cloths on ? you wore them yesterday!'
So the next time..... You take some cloths from the middle of the pile of clean washing.
Then you get...'Why are you messing up my washing? Why didn't you just take the cloths off the top?')
Anyhow, Mrs Old Fart says she is going to have a bath and graciously I can have her water.
Mrs Old Fart, does the whole thing , fills the bath up, more oil than was spilt from the Torrey Canyon, half a packet of Matey, the whole lot!!
So I am forced into the garden for an hour, until finally she appears like Aphrodite and says that she 'forgot I wanted her water' so I will have to have a shower. The same bloody shower I could have had a hour ago.
Now this the thing, and I wonder if you have the same problem. Turn on shower, get undressed, get in shower. Then the problem , where is the soap?
I like the red bars of soap that stink like a Polecat and keeps the flies away. Unfortunatly, Mrs Old Fart ,explained that there was a sexual ban if I used it again. owing to the fact that after using it I stink like a (clean ) polecat and that's what keeps the flies away. Shame really as that was proper soap that scoured the first five layers of skin off, made you really clean.
Its the same stuff Michael Jackson used when he decided to leave the Jackson Five and 'make his skin lighter'. Another two baths in that gear he would have been a fuxxxxg Albino it's that strong.
Same for the good old Wrights Cold Tar Soap, also banned. So when I am ensconced under the scalding water , I am faced with a selection of multi coloured bottles in the shower. Problem is, I can't Fuxxxng read what they are because I don't wear my glasses in the shower!
What happened to the good old 'Soap on a rope' that you were given every Xmas by young nephews who thought that you must need a good wash? At least you knew where the bloody soap was when you finally had a bath or shower.
So as usual I clean myself in a mixture of hair conditioner ,dog shampoo and Cillit Bang.
'Incidentally, what bright marketing genius thought up that name for a household cleaner? It sounds like a Polish Brothel . ' Oh yes ,last night we all went out for a few beers, then we went down to the 'Cillit Bang' to see the young ladies there'.
Now you don't need to bother, it comes in bottle form, ' Rub a Dub will do you' use in the shower when the wife isn't looking!!
Still it got the pass mark and finally I was allowed back into the household, after the obligatory bollocking for ' using the wrong towels etc'
I think next time I shall just go for a swim. That way I can be certain I won't go home stinking of fish as there are none in the sea!
The main reason that I go fishing is because it really brings home the fact that really is something worse of than I am.
So I go and get a few wriggly worms, then select one, put it on my hook and throw it in the sea to be eaten alive or drowned. That will teach the bastard to be an invertebrate that never bothered to get a proper education.
Still after drowning all the worms,apart from the ones that died of boredom, I invested it using a slither of Mackerel as bait .
Now that these fish are as rare as rocking horse shite, and more expensive than a used pair or Kylie Minogue's knickers (E Bay, £1,608 each) the only way to afford one is to join the Euromackerel Lottery.
Luckily last week I got four numbers and won a tail and a set off gills.
So carefully dissecting this treasured prize, I cast it to the seas.
Didnt make a toss of difference, as there are no fish left, so finally, out of sandwiches,coffee and the will to live I returned home.
That is when the problems started.
'you stink of fish' moans Mrs Old Fart, 'Don't even think of coming in the house in those cloths, etc'
('Incidentally, I have never worked this out after a lifetime of marriage. You take your dirty cloths off and the wife washes them.
Next day they are on the top of the washing pile so you take them off the top and wear them. then you get '
'Why have you put those cloths on ? you wore them yesterday!'
So the next time..... You take some cloths from the middle of the pile of clean washing.
Then you get...'Why are you messing up my washing? Why didn't you just take the cloths off the top?')
Anyhow, Mrs Old Fart says she is going to have a bath and graciously I can have her water.
Mrs Old Fart, does the whole thing , fills the bath up, more oil than was spilt from the Torrey Canyon, half a packet of Matey, the whole lot!!
So I am forced into the garden for an hour, until finally she appears like Aphrodite and says that she 'forgot I wanted her water' so I will have to have a shower. The same bloody shower I could have had a hour ago.
Now this the thing, and I wonder if you have the same problem. Turn on shower, get undressed, get in shower. Then the problem , where is the soap?
I like the red bars of soap that stink like a Polecat and keeps the flies away. Unfortunatly, Mrs Old Fart ,explained that there was a sexual ban if I used it again. owing to the fact that after using it I stink like a (clean ) polecat and that's what keeps the flies away. Shame really as that was proper soap that scoured the first five layers of skin off, made you really clean.
Its the same stuff Michael Jackson used when he decided to leave the Jackson Five and 'make his skin lighter'. Another two baths in that gear he would have been a fuxxxxg Albino it's that strong.
Same for the good old Wrights Cold Tar Soap, also banned. So when I am ensconced under the scalding water , I am faced with a selection of multi coloured bottles in the shower. Problem is, I can't Fuxxxng read what they are because I don't wear my glasses in the shower!
What happened to the good old 'Soap on a rope' that you were given every Xmas by young nephews who thought that you must need a good wash? At least you knew where the bloody soap was when you finally had a bath or shower.
So as usual I clean myself in a mixture of hair conditioner ,dog shampoo and Cillit Bang.
'Incidentally, what bright marketing genius thought up that name for a household cleaner? It sounds like a Polish Brothel . ' Oh yes ,last night we all went out for a few beers, then we went down to the 'Cillit Bang' to see the young ladies there'.
Now you don't need to bother, it comes in bottle form, ' Rub a Dub will do you' use in the shower when the wife isn't looking!!
Still it got the pass mark and finally I was allowed back into the household, after the obligatory bollocking for ' using the wrong towels etc'
I think next time I shall just go for a swim. That way I can be certain I won't go home stinking of fish as there are none in the sea!
